On being broke

I am about to be broke.  On purpose.  I am stepping away from my teaching job after 19 years in the classroom.  For the first time since I was 16 years old I won't have a paycheck.  This decision, of course, did not come lightly.  In fact, it is the most difficult decision I've ever made.  Oh, the idea of quitting was not so hard, after all being in education today isn't easy.  It is actually far from easy! 

For the past 4 years it has become increasingly difficult to do anything other than test kids, plan for testing kids, teach the test strategies, retest, and fear for the unknown when the scores were released.  Add to that a lack of provided curriculum and needed resources, less than one hour of quality planning per day broken into 20 minute sessions throughout the day, meeting after meeting to talk about nothing that would impact actual student learning, and just pure stress from the ridiculous Marzano requirements for teacher evaluation.  Seriously, teachers are supposed to have focused instruction while playing academic games while carrying on side conversation about  a student's baseball game last night.  Please come watch me do all of those things and more every day but not all within the same 30 minute window! Then please tie my hands behind my back with interruptions, unnecessary "professional" learning community discussions, and emails that should be read throughout the day to see if anything on my daily schedule has been changed for the umpteenth time.  The list goes on and on and on.  Ask any teacher you know about a typical day.  I don't think it would look anything like what you remember from your school days.

I am a great teacher by those made up, contrived standards.  I learned to teach strategically to the test and this year I had the most incredible kids ever assembled in one classroom.  Add to that, the fact that I got to spend 6+ hours a day with an incredible team of teachers, all of whom have become my best friends.  When my evaluation is finally complete (months after the school year was over) I expect that it will read "highly qualified".  Every student in my room passed the FCAT at level 3 and above.  I had three kids with perfect scores!  It was a great year and one that I will never forget.  I hope that the students and parents enjoyed third grade.  It sure seeemed like I was having the best year from the outside.  But on the inside I was dying, becoming bitter, and becoming "that teacher" I said I never would become. 

Everything became so satirical to me.  I couldn't even read a teacher blog without thinking "yeah, right!" or "that would take me hours to prepare".  I deleted boards from Pinterest where I had pinned cool teaching ideas.  I just couldn't look at them without thinking that it would not help the kids on the next test if we took time to do that or I would be jealous that somewhere, some awesome teacher actually had permission to teach with passion.  I bought 100's of items on Teacherspayteachers.com.  This is an equally awesome and disheartening site.  Awesome in that with a few clicks of a button I could buy quality teaching plans from other "in the trenches" teachers who were using these actual materials to meet common core standards.  Disheartening is the fact that teachers have had to devote an entire other 40 hours per week creating their own material, running a blog, and marketing their stuff to supplement both a lousy common core curriculum and their lousy paychecks as classroom teachers. 

In early December, a colleague in my district took her own life.  It was such a shock and caused so much pain in our community.  No one spoke openly about the reasons that she may have decided that ending it all was her best and only option but many teachers, especially those close to her quietly whispered their suspicion that recently released teacher evaluations did not help her mental state at the time.   She was known as a good teacher. One that helped students realize their potential.  Throughout her tenure as a teacher she produced quality students with quality work but that isn't always represented by end of the year test scores.  It left me wondering about my own mental state and desire that test scores shouldn't matter that much to me but they were the driving force for me to show up every single day.  The test.  The FCAT test.  The one where my results would justify my means.  Or would they?

In late December I was hospitalized from stress-induced hypertension and panic attacks.  I went on a variety of pills to help with both.  Funny though that on weekends my blood pressure would be within the normal range but as soon as I stepped foot onto campus it would sky-rocket.  Later in the year, closer to FCAT and while on medications, I asked a pod colleague to watch my class while I went to see the school nurse.  She took my pressure and told me that I needed to go straight to the ER.  That was a wake up call.

Interestingly though, through all of that, the idea of letting go of the paycheck is what was holding me back from verbalizing my thoughts on exiting teaching.  You see I like to earn money and  I like to pay my bills.  I like to eat and make sure my kids are fed.   But I (we? Him?) decided that money could not hold me there any longer.  "For where your treasure is your heart is also."  I treasure learning but I no longer treasured the four walls of my classroom where I spent my days teaching. I no longer could stomach the fact that teaching is now all about testing.  The state of Florida is adding even more tests this year and has plans to roll out elementary End of Course exams for kids as young as 7 years old next year.  I just don't understand.  As the farmers say "A pig doesn't get fatter by weighing it more."  Similarly, a student doesn't get smarter by testing them more, as seen in the stagnant and declining college ready kids leaving our public schools.  My oldest daughters will graduate this coming year.  They are the oldest of the "tested generation" and I see no difference it has made in their education.  They are not better off because of the testing and they certainly aren't anymore ready for college or career than students that I taught as seniors who graduated in 2002.   

For the past two years God has sent me on journey. A journey that He planned, prepared, and  instrumented just for me.  This journey included deep Bible studies, doing church with a Sunday school class of the most real women I 've ever known, books I read, blogs I visited, songs I sang in worship, weekly meetings with  a small group of ladies living for Him, Christian friends who challenged me to dig deeper, love more, and show love through service and many, many prayers.   I plan to connect all of those dots in a later post but for now I just want to share that I know that I know that I know leaving the classroom is God's will for me at this time.  He has shut doors and opened others so quickly in the past few months that His love and mercy is overwhelming.  My husband, Chris, has watched me on this journey and I'm sure at times has thought I was crazy.  But he is my partner, my love, and my biggest cheerleader and is sure that this is what God wants for me and our family.

You may be wondering what will she do?  How can her family of 9 survive on one teacher's salary?  I don't know all of the answers.  But I know the One who does.  He has shown me over and over and over that He is in control and He will provide.  My prayer back in March was "God, I will do anything for you."  So here's all that I know for sure right now about what is in store for my family and me. 

I know I have a personal relationship with the King.  He desires for me to have life and have it more abundantly.  He desires that I follow His will, not my own.  He has plans for me that will not harm me but prosper me.  When I question him He simply says, "I am".  When I lean on him I do not fall.  He knows everything about me and knew my deepest issues and insecurities when he knit my in my mother's womb.  He desires that I put Him first.  He asks that I love Him more than any other possession, goal, desire of my heart, person, or reputation I have had as a good teacher.  He says "Trust and Obey".  For the first time in my life I am at the point where I have fallen madly, deeply, insanely in love with His purposes, His kingdom, His people, and His ways.  He will light my path and direct my steps.  He is the potter and I am the clay.  I want to do His will and serve moms and their families.  What that looks like I'm not sure yet. 

I am sure I will be broke.  And broken.   My hope and prayer is that being broken for Him, by Him, in Him leads to the abundant life that He says is not only possible but is waiting for my family and me. I am stepping out in faith and will take it one step at a time following my Savior. I covet your prayers for my journey. 

All for Him,

Angie